4/17/2012 (Minor Notes About MindSet and Mood)

I've been noticing, since I've been in a good mood, people are responding a lot more ethusatically whenever I say “Hi!”.

This may be accompanied with me staring down people now. Back in the day, when I used to look, I would react when people started staring back at me, or I would stiffen up (freeze response) when the woman or man looked back. Now I just kind of let my eyes trace them, almost borderline sizing them up (It's almost like I'm too lazy to move my eyes, since they are already on a person). It causes some women to smile and ellicits better responses when I say hello.

Old Field Report

Starbucks (2/16/2012)

Alright, so I've been in a crabby mood all day. Woke up at four o'clock, an hour before having to go to work, so that's good. No, it was fucking terrible. It was literally worse than Hitler.

At Startbucks, can't work myway to open up a girl by herself. Sort of cute, average looking, but sitting at a table without a laptop or anything else. She is next to two Asian dudes, and I am having trouble overcoming the fear of looking weird in front of them (weird!) Well, apparently she was waiting for her friend, who happens to be a lot better looking. Well, if there is anytime to approach her, it is now, but I feel like I will most likely pussy out. My innergame is shit right now, and I can't feel good about anything. I believe I will need to finish “The Power of Now” soon, so I can quiet the inner retard. 

My First Field Report

Alright, so this post is supposed to epitomize the worst case Average Frustrated Chump. This is my first "Field Report" in the sense that this is the first time I've ever really talked to a stranger in any field (Well, there was actually one incident before this, several years back, where I opened a guy about hockey. The conversation went fine, but I was shaking for hours afterwards. This was apart of the Style Life 30 Day Challenge. My anxiety was so bad that I remember the incident as well as the night I lost my virginity. The guy was in his thirty five, wearing a Bruins hat, overweight with a beer gut that would be a full blown keg in a few years. No facial hair, cleave shaven that day. This is how bad my anxiety was).

Anyways, this was the first girl I've ever spoken to in the field.

Jamie Liu (FR)

So, I was at the Starbucks, sitting at a counter with three empty seats next to me, writing a story, and you know, doing my thing. HB 7.5 walks in the door with a coffee thermos, obviously not brought from Starbucks. She's Asian, I'm Asian, and instead of choosing a spot at the end of the counter, she takes one right next to me (This was obvious an IOI). I take this as an obvious sign of, please talk to me. So, I'm thinking, if I can't open this girl, I will never, ever be able to initiate a conversation with anyone (While true, this isn't the kind of dialogue you want running in your head, ever. It's way too negative, and it's putting far too much investment into a single encounter. This is coming from a scarcity mindset, where you have so few girls to choose from that you cling on desperately onto anything with a vagina. Obviously, not a good mindset to have when approaching anyone)

So, I opened with, “Lol (lol), you're not buying coffee from Starbucks.” She smiled and agreed that the thermos had painted her hand red. She got out a Mac computer, opened up a word processor, so I asked her about her work, blah blah, attempted to carry on a normal conversation. Instead of building value or doing anything productive, I talked about nothing because in my mind, I freaked the fuck out (One of the things I want to point out is that everything I'm saying here is correct. Every single fucking thing. The problem is that I am verbally abusing myself. The mood is way too negative, and when you are first learning anything, you have to focus on the positives. Focusing on the negatives is beating the figurative dead horse. Of course you're not going to be good at it, it's new to you! Focus on the positives so you don't get discouraged. What happened, is that after this incident, I actually stopped any sort of contact with PUA because of the verbal lashings. That's not how you get better. Laugh off the failure, so you can continue. One of the best thing Tyler Durden said was that he was never, never hard on himself after any failures. He reframed the entire night, looked at what he did right, and examined how he could improve. He never criticized Tyler Durden the person but his tactics. Criticize the actions you do, but never hate yourself as a person.)

I've been reading a lot of Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, and I've been trying to quiet down my thoughts. It had been mildly successful for the majority of the day, until I began talking to this girl, where the internal shouts of “FUCK FUCK FUCK, WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY NEXT” begins to kick in (Here, I was being too impatient with myself. Quieting down the ego takes place over time. Here I read something, and I expected to change a lifetime of bad habits)

“I AM MORE RETARDED THAN A CRACK BABY”

“FUCK, DID I INDIRECTLY CALL HER UGLY?” (I mentioned something about squinty eyes, which may or may not have come off wrong)

and

“I HOPE I'M NOT SHOUTING, LIKE I AM IN MY THOUGHTS!” (From newer experience, I'm pretty sure my voice fluctuated like a kid in puberty)

Anyways, I fumbled through the conversation, and eventually, we end up on the topic of writing. Which is fantastic, because that's my forte, my niche, my squeeze, etc. She asked for help on her creative writing paper, and I offered my brilliant assistance (Alright, I jumped and shoved help in her face like the worst Mr. Nice Guy ever, which was bad, because then I started thinking about how I was being too nice and far too AFC, which escalated my internal monologue to a high pitch screech that was shattering my brain).

So, naturally, she's curious because I offer her basic writing advice. She asks what I'm writing about. Instead of saying something funny or lying, I tell the truth, “I am writing about dead babies (It's more complicated than, but these are my exact words). She looks at me, not sure if I'm joking. This is where I should have played it off as an attempt at humor, but instead, I tried to justify the artistic value about dead children (Nothing more edgier than abortions these days. All the cool kids are doing it). I mumbled some stuff about Stephen King, along the lines of, “Man, we share the same first name, so I can write very edgy stuff, because we have the same name. You see my name is Stephen...” After, I shut my mouth, and internally cringed as I replayed every single word multiple times. (Out of the entire interaction, this is probably the most congruent with myself. I do write about dead babies, so I talked about dead babies. The self always comes out. Now that I'm reading this, I feel no matter how much I was trying to be serious, I don't think anyone could have taken any of these statements as an actual fact)

She turned back to her work, and then for the next half hour, we talked sporadically, and I happened to find out we graduated with the same major. We talked about that. At this point, I think she's a bit weirded out, the voice in my head is telling me to shoot off my foot, so I can get it out of my god damn mouth, and I feel the entire thing is becoming incredibly awkward (In actuality, I don't think she was too freaked out by my minor eccentricities, but I sure as hell was freaking myself out).

So, within a few minutes, I'm having a full on panic attack, and she's back to focusing on her work. I have to excuse myself, saying I drank too much caffeine (Which I had, it was my fifth cup within an hour). She asked for my name, saying she wanted to be facebook friends. I gave it to her, and then ran out of there with my literary tale between my legs (This is going to be a recurring theme, of me exiting the set far too early because I feel like I'm on the edge of having a heart attack.)

So, I messed up horrifically (You need to write more of the self-hating stuff as a joke. This would minimize the emotional pain.) (I know, I should be using more positive internal language), but I still potentially managed get some contact information out of it. Yeah, I know, it's pathetic, but it was the first girl who I ever opened semi-successfully (An opening is an opening. This was a full fledged opener, with a girl who was into me [during aspects of the interaction])

End Field Report

It's okay to freak out when you're doing your first couple of opens. It happens. The only thing I was used to talking to was myself, my cheating ex-girlfriend, and dirty talking to porn stars on my computer screen. When you first start opening, do it, say something fucking retarded, get blown out, and then REFRAME it during a field report. The real importance of writing field reports is that you can reframe the conversation, so the incident becomes apart of a learning process or a humorous incident rather than ultimate failure or a lost opportunity (Strive for an abundance mindset). Objectivity is a must if you want to get better, but it has to be truly objective. If you are stating something that happened, but you're using words like "Terrible" "Horrifically" and etc. then you are stating an objective fact with negative undertones. Negativity will never help your game. The only thing it's going to do is discourage you from progress.

Introductions

Alright, so since I have about as many readers as a World of Warcrafter has fuck buddies, I'm going to change this. My goals blah blah blah aren't relevant to a reader's interest, but what is relevant is watching a person's transformation from a complete and utter mess to a productive member of the PUA community. What I want to do is catalogue a written transformation from an AFC to a guru.

I've actually been writing about PUA since February of 2012, a month after I started this blog, and I want to capture anything and everything that can improve a fledging PUA. Even from reviewing some of my stuff written in the very beginning, I can notice several changes in my tone, thought patterns, etc.

I want to state exactly who I am. Why is this important? Because I want you to break one of the funamental rules of social interactions. I want you to judge me.

I want you to know that (Under the assumption you're not born in an African starving village) that YOU started better than ME. I was the biggest loser, of the losers. I was the World of Warcraft guy (I did play this game for a month). I was the guy with oneitis. I was the guy who fell into depression and almost decided to give up. I was the guy who had that girlfriend who cheated on him with twenty other men (This is an average estimate. I know the number is above 20 but below 30). I was the guy who still loved her afterwards!

Anyways, who was I? I was the guy who was worse than you. This was a post I made in Seddit which is essentially my condensed biography. The topic of the thread was "My poor inner-game stems from my childhood. Let me explain. Share Yours." Most of the people were like, "My dad beat me" or some kind of story about abuse. I don't even have that excuse!

"I feel like a bitch compared to some of you. I never had mommy/daddy issues, in fact, family life was probably the only positive parts of my childhood. Great family vacations, supportive parents (You can do anything!), and good role models (Dad is a genius who made a lot of money, my mom is a good nature woman). The only times I fought with them were the weeks report cards came out. You see, I am Asian (Asian grading scale: A=average, B=bad, C=crap, etc.)

My parents worked for the first four years of my life, so I was raised by my grandparents who spoke only Chinese. The public school system I was in was all white (Well, 95%, there was a black kid who was brought in from one of the neighboring towns). I forgot all of my Chinese, but I kept a thick oriental accent, which may have been mixed with a bit of speech impediment.

The school system kept me in speech class for several years, until they ran out of money and were like, "Lol, close enough." I left the classes being almost understood, but my tongue couldn't do the -th, -r, or -l sounds.

I went through my primary and high school education as that kid, "Who didn't speak English", even though I wrote and communicated exclusively in the language. Because of this, the only kids who would talk to me were the outcast (The kid with cerebral palsy, the fat one, the Jewish guy, the one who played dungeon and dragons and watched anime). And they were great, but as you can imagine, we repulsed girls like a fireman's hose on maximum output.

I couldn't communicate with people, because I physically, could not talk to them. I got nervous, which amplified my speech impediment/accent ten fold even when talking to my teachers, especially the female ones. I developed a stutter on top of an accent/speech impediment. A thirty second conversation for most people usually took me three or four times as long because I had to pause and repeat things multiple times. Even worse, anything with a pair of tits unnerved me worse than an Asian person in stressful traffic conditions (I know from personal experience, we are terrifying. Fact.)

I thought things would get better in College, but instead, I just played a shit ton of video games, to avoid social interaction. It still terrified me, because every time I talked to anyone, I always got a, "Can you say that again?" I couldn't run any lines because I couldn't even say hello without an inquisitive look of "Is this guy speaking Chinese to me?" It ruined my confidence because I couldn't establish working relationships with most people, let alone talking to girls.

I eventually got a girlfriend (Drunken hook up) who was abusive, cheated on me multiple times (with around ten other guys before we broke it off. Well, that's a lie, she broke it off. It got to the point where it was cynically hilarious), etc but I stayed with her throughout my entire college career. I just didn't have the balls to look for anyone else (a bad case of one-itis).

Well, college passed, and I still haven't gotten over all of my problems. I've been doing a lot of reading on changing the negative thought patterns, and it's been working out a bit better (Instead of full on panic attacks, it's just extreme nervousness). I decided that I'm going to approach people with an accent problem, before fixing it. That way, when I do learn to properly speak the language I've known my entire life, I'll be able to work some crazy shit with my words."

Anyways, what you're reading is some random stranger's story. I'm hoping that when you're feeling down, when you don't feel like hitting the field, when you're rationalizing about giving up on your skills with woman, that you will go to one of my posts, and be like "If this fucker can do it, I better be able to."

Goals for 3/31/2012

So the other night was interesting. I completed all of my goals from the previous night. I opened up the ten sets, read a bit of The Power of Now, and I did a bunch of job applications. I think the Teavana interview went really well, the guy seemed to like the fact I was well prepared for the job. My ex-manager at Best Buy seemed receptive to hiring me back, and the guy at Starbucks remembered my name. All in all, hopefully something will come out of this :)

Goals for 3/31/12

1. Settle housing stuff.

2. Approach ten sets.

3. Read PON for an hour.

   
   

   Been in a crabby mood all day. Woke up hung over, went to the gym, thought about my ex for pretty much the entire time there. Stormed off to the barn, to try and settle the housing stuff, turned out my ex was on a date with her new boyfriend, got me in an even pissier mood.

   Well, the good news is, is that you're catching your negativity, and when you are being too controlled by the mind. I didn't approach all of my sets, but I am taking a few of the sets I opened from previous days to cover for it. I read Power of Now for a few minutes, but theoretically, I should be able to get it done.

   The housing stuff should be settled. I am staying at the house for at least one more month. I'm hoping to get a job and then get a new place.

   Overall, gotta stay positive. You're alive! You didn't die from approaching, congrats. One of the funnier stories is that a guy apparently got arrested, from a poor approach (Well, it was more from the fight that happened afterwards). Anyways, the guy seemed like a penis, so you still haven't had any physical harm done to you from approaching women. Anyways, I'm going to say that day opening five people should be your goal tomorrow, because I really do want to crush approach anxiety.

   DEATH TO A.A.

Goals for 3/30/12

1. Approach ten sets.

2. Read a bit of Power of Now (As much as you can, busy day).

3. Go to the Teavana Interview, visit Best Buy, and Starbucks for job apps.

   
   

   In the previous night, I achieved all of my goals. Nothing too intense. Glad I did. A bit misconstructed at the end.

Goals for 3/29/12

Hello, people who visit random blogs instead of having friends! I'm glad you're hear, and maybe, someday, these blog posts will inspire someone else's lower intestinal muscles to start working again and begin pumping out success. This vulgar language is due to my other blog www.seriouswritingblog.blogspot.com and the needless shit references will correlate directly with how often I update that other blog. Anyways, here are my first set of goals (If one of you fuckers find out who I am by my personal references, I will rape someone at random, and you will be responsible.)

1. Look up information for job interview at Teavana [Independence].

2. Watch at least an hour of Natural Game [PUA].

3. Write down a few more of your personal goals [Personal Goal]

These things are broken up into catergories depending on their importance. I believe this is also where I will start posting my field reports (The ones where something happened, unlike the many, "I sat their in a state of fear, crying")

One of the things that would be cool, if not helpful to fledging pick up artist, is watching my (attempted)transformation from an AFC to a Guru like PUA. Trust me, as of right now, this process is painful, emotionally draining, and frustrating at times. There are moments of extreme excitement, uncontrolled emotions, and a (Thankfully decreasing) mental lashings.

Becoming socially comfortable, from my background, seems like climbing Everest. I am so far away, so incompentent, that I truly believe, that if I can do it, anyone can.

I am one hundred percent sure I can do it. So let's get on with this journey taking it one chunk at a time.